CO-PARENTING
It is important for a child to have both parents to fulfil all their needs. Both parents play different roles in a child’s daily life. The relations between parents undertaking co-parenting have major effect on the child’s emotional/mental well-being, thereby reducing possibilities of depression and anxiety.
Successful co-parenting is easier said than done. It is hard for the divorced parents to have successful co-parenting relationship as acrimonious separation, relationship issues etc take heavy toll on their mental attitude towards each other.
Coparenting or joint custody can exhaust, infuriate and frustrate the separated spouse if they had severely litigated past. Ex-spouse may feel concerned about other parties parenting capabilities and they may feel stressed for self/child maintenance, feel exhausted by the inner conflict or regret failure of past relationship.
Interaction with an ex-spouse during shared decisions, handing over or taking over of child during visitations or speaking to each other makes forgetting past difficult. For child’s betterment it is needed that we forget/ignore past events/incidents and overcome our challenges to have a working relationship with the ex-spouse. You may stay consistent, calm and avoid conflicts with your ex-spouse to give your child bright future.
A- METHODS FOR SUCCESSFUL CO-PARENTING
The key to successful co-parenting is to separate the personal relationship with your ex-spouse from the co-parenting relationship. It may be helpful to start thinking of your relationship with your ex as a completely new one relation that is entirely about the well-being of your children, and not about either of you.
Divorce brings end to a marriage but the parting couple still remain parents to the children born out of their marriage. Child’s interest must be separated couples’ priority and children’s needs must be kept ahead of parting couples’ priority.
B. INTEREST OF CHILD
Co-operative parenting gives sense of security, love and care to the children and they appreciate that parting parents gave them more importance than the conflict that ended their marriage. They will understand that end of your marriage does not bring end to your love/affection for them and it remains the same even with changed circumstances.
Children having cooperative divorced parents feel safe, secured, confident, have better self-esteem and they adjust quickly to the changed living conditions. Children understand what is expected from them and what they must expect from their separated parents, which results in disciplined life, joyful childhood & social acceptance.
Children with cooperative parents learn to build and maintain long term relationships and they are emotionally/mentally healthier. Children whose parents are in conflict may suffer from anxiety & depression &/or ADHD.
C. LEAVE YOUR PAINFUL SEPARATION BEHIND
For peaceful co-parenting, it is a must that parents overcome their own emotions of hurt, anger or resentment. Co-parenting is all about child’s mental well-being, stability and happiness. Separating parents have to keep their own feelings aside and cooperate for the wellbeing of their child. Separated parents must vent their feelings somewhere else i.e. with friends, lawyers, councillor to get the stress off their chest and never expose children to their hurt.
In the interest of your children, you must keep them away from your emotions i.e. anger, jealousy, hurt & resentment. Hurt of failure of your marriage will never go away completely and you have to keep separate corner for your feelings. Always keep it in your mind that these issues are yours and not your child’s.
Avoid using your children as messengers, as conveying messages puts then in the centre of your conflict. Exchange messages with your ex-spouse through emails, messages or calls.
Avoid speaking negative about your ex-spouse in the presence of your child & avoid to make them feel that they have to choose one parent. Children have mind of their own and there should be no negative influence from your side to change their choice of relationship with your ex-spouse.
D. EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION METHODS WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE
Effective communication with your ex-spouse helps in effective co-parenting. Change your mind set to positivity. Accept the fact that you have to communicate with your ex-spouse for the welfare of your child. Imagine effects of your failed communication with your ex-spouse on your child’s mental health.
Always keep communication with your ex-spouse effective and limited to child’s welfare. Avoid straying of thoughts and discussion while talking to your ex-spouse. Open conflict free communication with your ex-spouse.
You may avoid meeting your ex-spouse in person and may use communication tools like messages, emails or phone calls to keep matter simpler.
Prior to communicating with your ex-spouse write down all the matters you wish to discuss and restrict your discussions to the welfare of child and avoid discussion about each other’s needs.
Always keep your tone towards your ex-spouse polite, respectful, relaxed, and professional. Keeping your children’s welfare as your common business interest, treat your dealing with your ex-spouse as a professional partnership. Speak or message your ex-spouse as if you are communicating with a business partner.
Listen to your ex-spouse patiently. Communicate with your ex-spouse and make him/her understand that you have understood his/her view point and you disagree.
Communication with your ex-spouse will be needed till your children attain majority. Learn to remain calm and do not react to any kind of provocation. You will make your and your child’s life simpler by avoiding unwarranted family drama. Constant positive communication with your ex-spouse in relation to your child’s welfare will give impression of a united co-parenting front to your child.
E. CHANGING RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE
Remain calm in difficult situations. At times you have to deal with an ex-spouse who made your life difficult prior to separation or has habit of triggering your emotions through words or gestures. Be sincere in developing working relationship with your ex-spouse in the best interest of your child.
Ask your ex-spouse about his/her opinion about issues related to your child and show that you value his/her opinion.
Apologize sincerely to your ex-spouse for your past mistakes or hurtful incidents, as it can change his/her attitude towards you and he/she may overcome hostility towards you.
If during your ex-spouse’s time with your child he/she desires to spend more time with the child, then be polite, accommodating and flexible for the sake of your child’s welfare. If you are flexible with your ex-spouse on the issues related to your child, then there is greater possibility that he/she will also be flexible with you in future.
F. ACTING WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE AS A TEAM
Parenting a child need lots of decisions to be made in coordination with your ex-spouse irrespective of your liking each other or not. Communicating without provocation, bickering or blow up makes life simpler and easier for all. Work with your ex-spouse as a team and remain consistent in your outlook for the desired results.
Child must understand that there is consistency between your home and your ex-spouses home environment and rules. Child must learn to be flexible and learn to live under the same expectations and rules to avoid confusion. There must be similar rules in both the houses related to studies, play time, sleep time, time limit for return home, off limit activities etc.
There should be same consequences for breaking rules in both the houses. Bad behaviour must be penalised and good behaviour must be rewarded, similar freedoms and restrictions in both the houses.
G. RESOLVING DISAGREEMENTS WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE
At times co-parenting results in difference between the ex-spouse. You may keep your ex-spouse informed about school events, remain flexible about his/her visitation timings and take their opinions gracefully. You must respect your ex-spouses advise, thoughts and acumen. You must continue communication even if there is difference of opinion. All such communications must take place in the absence of your child. In case of severe disagreement, you may take third party opinion or take professional help of a therapist or councillor.
You may disagree about critical issues like choice of school or medical treatment, however you must avoid disagreement on petty issues like bed time etc.
You have to learn to compromise and agree to your ex-spouse’s genuine point of view. Compromise helps both of you to remain flexible in coming times.
H. RELOCATION AND VISITATION
Act of moving from one house to another every weekend, during weekdays or month is difficult for the child of separated parents. Meeting with one parent is separation from another parent. Such changes are unavoidable and parents must take initiative to make them easier for the child.
Be cheerful when your child is preparing to leave for your ex-spouses’ home. This will make transition from one home to another easier. Remind children that they will be leaving for the non-custodian parents’ residence shortly.
You must your child in packing his/her cloths and personal belongings in advance.
You may drop your child to your ex-spouse’s residence and ask him/her to drop the child to your residence. This way you will not be blamed of spoiling good moments your ex-spouse could have lived with the child.
When your child returns to your residence make them comfortable and let things settle down to normal.
I. REFUSAL BY CHILD TO VISIT A PARENT
It is common for children in joint custody to sometimes refuse to leave one parent to live with another parent. Try to find reason behind refusal by the child and try to resolve the issue in a simpler manner by changing disciplinary ways, providing more toys or facilities, different methods of entertainment to keep them interested. Most cases of refusal to visit a parent are temporary in nature and there is no need to be over concerned, if child refuses to come with you. With passage of time and space most children restart visitation.
You must discuss the issue of refusal with your ex-spouse and try to resolve the impending issue by cooperating with each other. At times situation can be distressing for the child and the parents. While discussing refusal with your ex-spouse, try to be understanding and sensitive.
